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LATEST NEWS

Frozen Water Supply Plan Received Icily by Northern Skeptics

Iqaluit, CA (June 28, 2004) – As the total volume of useable water in the United States has gradually decreased, Americans have been increasingly looking north to Canada as a potential supplier. Canadians, however, have generally been cold to the idea of selling off Canada’s surplus water capacity. One entrepreneur has thus embarked upon a project that he calls “the next best thing”: selling the Americans ice from Canada’s frozen north.

“Though Canada at present has the capacity to sell some of its surplus river and rain water south of the border, the general public isn’t too keen on the idea of draining reserves for American greenbacks,” explained Leon Farsky, president of Arctic Ice Supply Co. (AIS). “Meanwhile, Canada’s northern territories remain impoverished, under-utilized frozen wastelands. So I thought, well, we might not be able to give Americans their drinking water, but at least we can help them keep it cool.”

Farsky’s company plans to establish an international ice-shipping route, to deliver ice blocks by refrigerated container vessel from Inuit fishing villages along Canada’s northern shore to major ports of call along the U.S. West Coast. Though the initial investment required will likely be “absolutely huge,” Farsky thinks AIS will have no trouble attracting investors, since “everyone knows” that “you can’t put a dollar sign on the value of a nice cold drink.”

Farsky’s plans have already drawn the ire of some environmentalists, however. Nunavut Green Party candidate Ned Kennedy explains, “In recent years, as a result of the global warming phenomenon, we have seen average temperatures slowly rising, which has caused the polar ice caps to melt to unprecedented levels. To further siphon off Canada’s frozen water supply would be a total disaster. If anything, we should start importing ice.”

Farsky remains optimistic that he can win local support, however, citing the project’s supposed economic boost to the northern economy, claiming it would increase the number of jobs available in a region known for its rampant unemployment.

 

Belgium Adds Australopithecus to Endangered Species List; Poor Animal Recognition Skills May Be to Blame

Brussels, BE (June 21, 2004) – In a remarkable move, the Belgian Ministry of Natural Resources and the Environment on Thursday added the African hominid genus known as Australopithecus to its national endangered species list—despite the fact that it has been extinct for roughly two and three-quarter million years and there is no fossil record of Australopithecus afarensis ever having inhabited the European area now claimed by Belgian sovereignty.

“This is perhaps the most serious example of being behind-the-times I’ve ever seen,” explained Dr. Bengt Olofsson, director-general of the Swedish Palaeontological Society, and a member of the grand council of the esteemed Société internationale des paléontologistes. “I’ve known a number of colleagues to be a little slow-on-the-take, but this is a bit ridiculous, don’t you think? It might almost be plausible if they were still governing the Congo. Then, at least, the continents would match up.”

Staff reporters agreed, posing queries on Dr. Olofsson’s behalf to Belgium ministry spokeswoman Gerlinda De Groot.

“I saw one [Australopithecus] once, during a music festival in Oostende. He was very hairy and quite messy in his appearance. He came right out of the sea,” Ms. De Groot reminisced. “We in the Ministry are worried about them, and fear they may go the way of the dog—that’s a sad story, isn’t it? Never to be seen again.”

Dr. Wendy Posnikoff, professor emeritus in Curriculum Studies at the University of Toronto, hypothesised that poor animal recognition skills may be to blame. “Belgian schools are known throughout the world for the poor quality of their textbooks,” remarked Dr. Posnikoff. “In one math textbook ‘algebra’ is defined as ‘the addition, subtraction, multiplication and/or division of numbers beyond our base-ten system and employing letters to represent 11, 12 and so forth.’ Most history textbooks are missing large chunks of the past 200 years or report ‘facts’ that appear based upon conjecture—‘the population of the Netherlands’, one text declares, ‘is made up of ducks and other game fowl.’ Well, I’m not even going to begin to explain how wrong that is.”

When asked about a possible link between poor curricular content and the inability to properly distinguish species, Dr. Posnikoff explained “I wouldn’t be surprised, and quite frankly it would clear up a great deal of confusion on my part—but don’t take my meaning the wrong way, I’m not from Belgium. I can recognize my own confusion.”

 

Better to Send Cats by Slow-Boat than Airmail, Study Shows

Rønne, DK (June 14, 2004) – Dr. Danylo Burdenko, Director-General of Scientific Affairs for the International Society of Plenipotentiary Nucleolinguists (ISPN), presented on Sunday his most recent research into the intersection of cats and the communications society. The event was part of a larger friendship meeting between the ISPN and the Danish Department of Industry.

Dr. Burdenko’s work, titled International Postal Communication and Short-Haired Selkirk Rexes (Felis silvestris domesticus): A Piece of the Modern Puzzle, examines the science behind sending kittens through the international postal system.

All participants at the friendship meeting conversed cordially and reaffirmed that their commitment to the pursuit of scientific discovery was sealed in blood.

The Sciencist is proud to publish this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.

 

Funny Business Bemoans Funny Business in the Science of Übergeek Hygiene

Seattle, US (June 7, 2004) – The Institute for Proactive Hygiene Science (IPHS) announced a major breakthrough in advanced hygiene research last week with the release of its new line of high-end infrequent-use personal beauty care products. The product line—called “Fresher You” (without the quotes)—consists of shampoo, conditioner, soap, and deodorant, and will hit store shelves in August amid a flurry of advertising. The full Fresher You line is mainly targeted at the recent rash of dot-com millionaires whose upward mobility has been demonstrated in their overnight rise from parents’ basement to Silicon Valley boardrooms.

Dr. Conrad Hook, chief research and development spokesman for IPHS, was eager to explain the science behind Fresher You during a press conference Monday morning. “Our scientists have positively identified the molecules that produce body odour and greasy hair. By specifically targeting and breaking-down these ‘smellocules’ we are able to minimize the use of harsh chemicals and cleaning agents in these products.” Dr. Hook’s presentation concluded by stating that the findings of the laboratory responsible for the Fresher You line would soon be published in the prestigious Journal of Beauticianal Sciences.

Dr. Hook praised the dedication of the scientists involved in the project. “This research has been plagued by protesters and bad-press since its inception. Why so many people have a problem with a product that is to the benefit of all mankind is beyond me. We feel that these products represent a new and better life for those unfortunate individuals who have not yet developed a coherent bathing strategy. This earnest belief is reflected in the name of the products: Fresher You implies the start of a newer, cleaner life.” Most recent attacks have come from the North American Brotherhood of Comedians, Mimes, and Prop-Men (NABCMPM) who accuse IPHS of stealing their livelihood.

In a statement released on Friday, NABCMPM, not known for overreacting to perceived threats, displayed its opposition to the type of research conducted by Dr. Hook and his team at IPHS. “As funny-persons, we are dependent upon nerds, hippies, and other unwashed losers to be the butt of our frequent jokes and casual jests. If these people suddenly were to start looking and smelling good, we’d have literally nothing left to make fun of. Ultimately, we caution the science community—your work is stepping dangerously close to the downfall of an entire industry. Ask yourselves, would such a prospect make you smile? We’re certainly not laughing.”

Undaunted, Dr. Hook’s team are already working on new products that use the same techniques for extending cleanliness. Among IPHS’s yet-to-be-released products: Sofa-SoClean, a self-cleaning chesterfield for bachelors; and Overalls-Overhauls, a specialized bib for mechanics, farmers and other grease-dwelling professionals.

 

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MOST RECENT RESEARCH PAPERS

 

June 14, 2004

International Postal Communication and Short-Haired Selkirk Rexes (Felis silvestris domesticus): A Piece of the Modern Puzzle

Danylo Burdenko

The Sciencist is proud to publish this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.

 

May 24, 2004

Empirical Evaluation of Crisis Response

Kohle Torgenson

The Sciencist is proud to publish this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.

 

More Research Papers ::::