Frozen Water Supply Plan Received Icily
by Northern Skeptics
Iqaluit, CA (June 28, 2004)
– As the total volume of useable water in the
United States has gradually decreased, Americans have
been increasingly looking north to Canada as a
potential supplier. Canadians, however, have generally
been cold to the idea of selling off Canada’s surplus
water capacity. One entrepreneur has thus embarked upon
a project that he calls “the next best thing”: selling
the Americans ice from Canada’s frozen north.
“Though Canada at present has
the capacity to sell some of its surplus river and rain
water south of the border, the general public isn’t too
keen on the idea of draining reserves for American
greenbacks,” explained Leon Farsky, president of Arctic
Ice Supply Co. (AIS). “Meanwhile, Canada’s northern
territories remain impoverished, under-utilized frozen
wastelands. So I thought, well, we might not be able to
give Americans their drinking water, but at least we can
help them keep it cool.”
Farsky’s company plans to establish
an international ice-shipping route, to deliver ice blocks
by refrigerated container vessel from Inuit fishing villages
along Canada’s northern shore to major ports of call along the
U.S. West Coast. Though the initial investment required will
likely be “absolutely huge,” Farsky thinks AIS will have no
trouble attracting investors, since “everyone knows” that “you
can’t put a dollar sign on the value of a nice cold drink.”
Farsky’s plans have already drawn the
ire of some environmentalists, however. Nunavut Green Party
candidate Ned Kennedy explains, “In recent years, as a result
of the global warming phenomenon, we have seen average
temperatures slowly rising, which has caused the polar
ice caps to melt to unprecedented levels. To further siphon
off Canada’s frozen water supply would be a total disaster.
If anything, we should start importing ice.”
Farsky remains optimistic that he can win local
support, however, citing the project’s supposed economic boost to
the northern economy, claiming it would increase the number of jobs
available in a region known for its rampant unemployment.
Belgium Adds Australopithecus
to Endangered Species List; Poor Animal Recognition
Skills May Be to Blame
Brussels, BE (June 21, 2004)
– In a remarkable move, the Belgian Ministry
of Natural Resources and the Environment on Thursday
added the African hominid genus known as Australopithecus
to its national endangered species list—despite
the fact that it has been extinct for roughly
two and three-quarter million years and there
is no fossil record of Australopithecus afarensis
ever having inhabited the European area now claimed
by Belgian sovereignty.
“This is perhaps the most
serious example of being behind-the-times
I’ve ever seen,” explained Dr. Bengt
Olofsson, director-general of the Swedish Palaeontological
Society, and a member of the grand council of
the esteemed Société internationale
des paléontologistes. “I’ve
known a number of colleagues to be a little slow-on-the-take,
but this is a bit ridiculous, don’t you
think? It might almost be plausible if they were
still governing the Congo. Then, at least, the
continents would match up.”
Staff reporters agreed, posing
queries on Dr. Olofsson’s behalf to Belgium
ministry spokeswoman Gerlinda De Groot.
“I saw one [Australopithecus]
once, during a music festival in Oostende. He
was very hairy and quite messy in his appearance.
He came right out of the sea,” Ms. De Groot
reminisced. “We in the Ministry are worried
about them, and fear they may go the way of the
dog—that’s a sad story, isn’t
it? Never to be seen again.”
Dr. Wendy Posnikoff, professor
emeritus in Curriculum Studies at the University
of Toronto, hypothesised that poor animal recognition
skills may be to blame. “Belgian schools
are known throughout the world for the poor quality
of their textbooks,” remarked Dr. Posnikoff.
“In one math textbook ‘algebra’
is defined as ‘the addition, subtraction,
multiplication and/or division of numbers beyond
our base-ten system and employing letters to represent
11, 12 and so forth.’ Most history textbooks
are missing large chunks of the past 200 years
or report ‘facts’ that appear based
upon conjecture—‘the population of
the Netherlands’, one text declares, ‘is
made up of ducks and other game fowl.’ Well,
I’m not even going to begin to explain how
wrong that is.”
When asked about a possible
link between poor curricular content and the inability
to properly distinguish species, Dr. Posnikoff
explained “I wouldn’t be surprised,
and quite frankly it would clear up a great deal
of confusion on my part—but don’t
take my meaning the wrong way, I’m not from
Belgium. I can recognize my
own confusion.”
Better to Send Cats by Slow-Boat
than Airmail, Study Shows
Rønne, DK (June 14, 2004)
– Dr. Danylo Burdenko, Director-General
of Scientific Affairs for the International Society
of Plenipotentiary Nucleolinguists (ISPN), presented
on Sunday his most recent research into the intersection
of cats and the communications society. The event
was part of a larger friendship meeting between
the ISPN and the Danish Department of Industry.
Dr. Burdenko’s work, titled
International
Postal Communication and Short-Haired Selkirk
Rexes (Felis
silvestris domesticus):
A Piece of the Modern Puzzle, examines
the science behind sending kittens through the
international postal system.
All participants at the friendship
meeting conversed cordially and reaffirmed that
their commitment to the pursuit of scientific
discovery was sealed in blood.
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
Funny Business Bemoans Funny Business
in the Science of Übergeek Hygiene
Seattle, US (June 7, 2004) –
The Institute for Proactive Hygiene Science (IPHS)
announced a major breakthrough in advanced hygiene
research last week with the release of its new
line of high-end infrequent-use personal beauty
care products. The product line—called “Fresher
You” (without the quotes)—consists
of shampoo, conditioner, soap, and deodorant,
and will hit store shelves in August amid a flurry
of advertising. The full Fresher You
line is mainly targeted at the recent rash of
dot-com millionaires whose upward mobility has
been demonstrated in their overnight rise from
parents’ basement to Silicon Valley boardrooms.
Dr. Conrad Hook, chief research
and development spokesman for IPHS, was eager
to explain the science behind Fresher You
during a press conference Monday morning. “Our
scientists have positively identified the molecules
that produce body odour and greasy hair. By specifically
targeting and breaking-down these ‘smellocules’
we are able to minimize the use of harsh chemicals
and cleaning agents in these products.”
Dr. Hook’s presentation concluded by stating
that the findings of the laboratory responsible
for the Fresher You line would soon be
published in the prestigious Journal of Beauticianal
Sciences.
Dr. Hook praised the dedication
of the scientists involved in the project. “This
research has been plagued by protesters and bad-press
since its inception. Why so many people have a
problem with a product that is to the benefit
of all mankind is beyond me. We feel that these
products represent a new and better life for those
unfortunate individuals who have not yet developed
a coherent bathing strategy. This earnest belief
is reflected in the name of the products: Fresher
You implies the start of a newer, cleaner
life.” Most recent attacks have come from
the North American Brotherhood of Comedians, Mimes,
and Prop-Men (NABCMPM) who accuse IPHS of stealing
their livelihood.
In a statement released on Friday,
NABCMPM, not known for overreacting to perceived
threats, displayed its opposition to the type
of research conducted by Dr. Hook and his team
at IPHS. “As funny-persons, we are dependent
upon nerds, hippies, and other unwashed losers
to be the butt of our frequent jokes and casual
jests. If these people suddenly were to start
looking and smelling good, we’d have literally
nothing left to make fun of. Ultimately, we caution
the science community—your work is stepping
dangerously close to the downfall of an entire
industry. Ask yourselves, would such a prospect
make you smile? We’re certainly not laughing.”
Undaunted, Dr. Hook’s
team are already working on new products that
use the same techniques for extending cleanliness.
Among IPHS’s yet-to-be-released products:
Sofa-SoClean, a self-cleaning chesterfield
for bachelors; and Overalls-Overhauls,
a specialized bib for mechanics, farmers and other
grease-dwelling professionals.
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