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Fecal Deposition and Cognitive Acuity:
A Correlation Study

Kohle Torgenson

The modern understanding of learning and cognitive action is used to develop a sound causal relationship between fecal deposition and intellectual acuity. This random study of 45 male participants of average IQ and foot pressure clearly establishes a connection between fecal deposition and cognition.

[This paper is also available in PDF format]

Introduction

Since the dawn of time, the obvious connections between fecal deposition and advanced thinking processes have been reflected in the art and humour of the enlightened. From ancient cave paintings, through the “sitting” Buddha and Rodin’s Thinker, to the modern classic “Married…With Children” the importance of bowel movements to increase cognitive thrust is well documented (Dylan, 1989). In this vanguard cognitive experiment, the obvious connection between fecal expulsion and thinking is taken to a new level of understanding as causal relationships are established between fecal deposition and intellectual enrichment.

 

Method

This study uses a random sample of 45 men, chosen from a lottery of 250 city employees in Tisdale, Canada. The men were determined to have average IQs ranging from 90 to 110, falling within one standard deviation of 100. The subjects were also determined to have foot pressure measurements within the expected healthy range of 62.1 kPa to 86.4 kPa (Burdenko, 2003).

Subjects were set to cleanse their systems with a baseline diet of 3000 calories, and were not permitted more than 75 grams of fibre per day. With this diet in place for a duration of 14 days, subjects established their cognitive performance by first attempting to memorize a random list of localities and their respective area codes within Uzbekistan for 5 minutes (The Uzbek Telephone Directory, 2000). Next, the subjects were isolated into one of three cognitive performance action (CPA) groups: one standing, one sitting and one defecating. Subject memory was then tested after a 5 minute processing time by asking the subjects to recite as many area codes for specific localities as possible while in their respective CPA group. The mass of the fecal deposit at the time of memory testing was measured after funneling excess liquid wastes away from the solid content of the deposit, and the results were recorded for future study.

 

Results

Cognitive performance action tests establish that the mean number of Uzbek localities and area codes memorized for all subjects was 11.5. The standing and sitting CPA groups were observed to have a mean cognitive performance level of 10.2 and 10.1 area codes memorized respectively. The defecating CPA group was observed to have an advanced cognitive performance of 14.3 area codes memorized, which exceeds the performance of both the sitting and standing CPA groups by over 40%.

 

Discussion

The connection between cognitive capacity and the CPA act of expelling solid waste has been clearly established and deemed statistically significant. The simple manipulation of posture, from standing to sitting is insufficient as a remedy for poor mental acuity. The seated posture appears to play an insignificant role in increasing cognitive performance when compared to the startling improvements to memory by removing feces through natural means.

Further experimentation is necessary to explain the correlation between learning and fecal deposition. One concept that has gained positive scientific acceptance, as suggested by “Bigman911”, is that the removal of solid human waste creates a mental vacuum of sorts, that appears to be readily filled with fresh information (chat-room conversation, August 15, 2001). If this is indeed true, as it would seem, then it would be expected that larger vacuums created by larger deposits would result in larger cognitive gains.

It is not clear whether forced fecal expulsion can also increase mental acuity (Mesitowski, 2002), or whether imposing such “learning opportunities” would produce an opposite effect. It has been suggested that the body, by expelling wastes, is preparing itself for new knowledge, and artificially forcing such events could result in “frequent unsubstantial learning” events or “long-term cognitive diarrhea” (Fung, 1995).

The obvious extension of this study for education is that optimal learning environments must include frequent bathroom breaks, which should take place in information-rich locations. Bathrooms should be constructed using advanced principles of learning (Jacobson, 1974) to align with the biological learning opportunity presented in the brief spurts that commonly arise during the school day.

It has been suggested that the next step in CPA research is to study the action of rectal insertion as a means to inhibit cognition and mental ability. Perhaps it is possible to decrease the learning ability of others by increasing the volume of waste needing to be expelled. Simple learning suppository tests would clarify this speculation.

 

References

Burdenko, D. (2003). Toward the establishment of a universal foot pressure standard: A report of the Banff Boards of Scientific Enquiry (I and II). Saskatoon, Canada: The Sciencist.
Dylan, C. (1989). Reflections on classic thinkers. The Anthropological Mind, 47(2), 23–45.
Fung, Z. (1995). Diarrhea: Forced memory. Berkley, Ca: Glutenberg Press.
Jacobson, J. (1974). Intelligent education using smart ideas to make kids’ brains better. Starcity Educational Times, 63(1), 1–2.
Mesitowski, B. (2002). Fibre, the mind’s great solid. Fibre Fact Finder, 13(3), 643–676.
Uzbek telephone directory. (2000). Samarkand, Uzbekistan: Karimov Press.