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Chemical Analysis of the
Sexual Potential of Homo digitus

Kohle Torgenson

The production of the human pheromone androstenol is measured in three subjects by performing six different activities in order to assess the sexual attraction of Homo digitus. The resulting data establishes a curious juxtaposition between the measured chemo-sexual attraction potential of Homo digitus and the apparent sexual activity of this recently discovered Star Trek astute species.

[This paper is also available in PDF format]

Introduction

Living organisms are defined as being carbon-based, cellular, motile, dependent on making or consuming food, able to respond to stimuli, and able to reproduce. A recent study has proven that there is a species that is derived from Homo sapiens that fails to meet the strict criteria of being a “living organism” (Morten, 1999). It would seem that Homo digitus is an organism having almost all of the traits of Homo sapiens, but which is drawn to light stimulus in the form of “Star Trek”. To the shock of the scientific community, these “Trekkies” as they are colloquially known, have no recorded instances of reproduction in the short time that scientists have been studying them (Stook, 2001). It has been determined that Trekkies have the physiological make up to reproduce, yet this process does not occur. Some scientists believe this is related to the limited migratory patterns of Trekkies between the washroom, the kitchen and the television (Myrtell, 1977). Others cite the limited number of female Trekkies that can be found within any population (Smith, 1983). It is also possible that other factors, such as personal grooming and hygiene, play a role in the attraction process (Johanson, 1999). In this vanguard study, the chemo-sexual attraction potential of Trekkies, as measured by the production of the human pheromone androstenol, is evaluated and compared to the apparent limitations of the Trekkie reproductive process.

 

Method

Measuring levels of androstenol in men is a direct way of measuring the chemo-sexual attraction potential (CSAP) of the individual. Other factors may be at play in the courtship of Homo digitus, but the measured levels of androstenol are unquestionably the baseline measure for sexual attraction of females to males.

A group of three subjects were selected from a group of men displaying moderate sexual activity (Zuruuuk, 2003) and gathered to determine the level of CSAP males display while carrying out six different androgynous activities: sitting, running, driving, consuming beverages, showering and watching television. The level of CSAP was determined by extracting sweat from the armpits, temples and groin of the subjects using 5 mm surgical grade sponges of 2 mm thickness. The fluid extracted was pooled and evaluated using gas chromatography for purity and composition of androstenol. All subjects showed adequate production of these pheromones in the sitting trial, which was used as the baseline data for all participants.

 

Results

The CSAP level of people performing different tasks shows an irregular pattern that places watching television, sitting, and consuming beverages at extremely high androstenol levels in comparison to people who are running, driving or showering. The spread in sexual pheromone release ranges from a whopping 4.43 pl per ml of fluid extract while watching television, to a paltry 0.23 pl per ml while showering. This would indicate that in the absence of environmental-sexual arousal, the acts of sitting, consuming beverages and watching television are very sexually alluring to the opposite sex.

 

Conclusions

The obvious outcome of this study is to question why male Trekkies who carry out the activities of drinking, watching TV and consuming beverages do not find themselves being frequently courted for the purposes of procreation. It would seem at on a purely chemical level, the average Star Trek fan, who watches in excess of 4 hours of Star Trek and Star Trek–related fare per day (Zanthar, 3001), would have nearly irresistible sexual appeal to females. Moreover, the accumulation of androstenol on the skin by infrequent showering coupled with the lack of exercise and inability to borrow the family car should make the common Trekkie a sexual magnet. This leads us to the obvious question of why Trekkies aren’t more sexually active. Perhaps it has to do with the remote proximity of females from these androstenol-emitting pillars of primetime television. Perhaps it is related to the over-stimulation of the female androstenol receptors when in the presence of Star Trek fans, supporting the idea that Trekkies indeed do have “too much of a good thing.”

In any case, the infrequent sexual exploits of Trekkies continues to be a confusing issue for scientists. Further studies will be needed to aid in Trekkie reproduction, for, without proper intervention, this curious species could be lost to attrition, as their growth rate lags far behind their mortality rate (Gutenburg, 2003).

 

References

Gutenburg, S. (2003). Population growth report. San Francisco, Ca: Independent Statistics Cooperative.
Johnanson, C. (1999). Hey Worf, you stink! Teenbop, 3(2) 16-17.
Morten, B. (1999). Recent discoveries in taxonomy. Ottawa, Ca: Snowhill Press.
Myrtell, G. (1977). Homo digitus—Migratory patterns. Journal of Avian Media Research, 19(3) 121-134.
Smith, J. (1983). The myth of the green martian lady. Star Trek: Science Fact Omnibus, 4(13) 2-5.
Stook. (2001). Reproduction: Why? Why not? SciConFiCom, 19(4) 43-56.
Zanthar, Z. (3001). The trouble with odour. We Boldly Went Magazine, 21(5) 98-103.
Zuruuuk, F. (2003). Trekkie Fan Klub 201 Newsletter Mailing List.