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Applied Research in the Field of Quantum
Ichthyoastronometric-Dynamics:
Crenimugil labrosus and the Space-Time Continuum

Danylo Burdenko

The purpose of this paper is to explore the effects of prosthetics and wigs on fish swimming patterns in outer space (that is, “terrestrial” fish brought into outer space, not those found there). Experiments were performed with the assistance of three grey mullet (Crenimugil labrosus) of average adult belly surface pressure (3.0–3.5 kPa). Fish were observed for a period of 5 seconds and swimming patterns recorded. Analysis proves the propensity of grey mullet to possibly bridge the space-time continuum under certain circumstances.

[This paper is also available in PDF format]

Introduction

In the aftermath of the dissolution of the Soviet empire, western observers were privileged with access to some of the most secured locations of Soviet scientific discovery. What they found was nothing short of shocking. Records of experiments dating back to the days of the New Economic Program (NEP), some bearing the approval signature of Lenin himself, were found in the archives of the Trashchyatsov Polytechnic Institute of Applied Science and Mechanical Research [Politekhnicheskii Institut Trashchyatsov Nauki i Mekhanicheski Issledovaniya] in Volgograd. One piece of unfinished research seemed to shine through the rest: Vychyashyuzhniz’s observations of the effects of prosthetics and wigs on the swimming patterns of “terrestrial” fish in outer space (that is, those fish brought from earth into outer space, not those found there).

Vychyashyuzhniz died (some claim suspiciously) shortly after publishing his seminal theoretical paper Mullet in the Nether-regions of Space and Time [Mulet v Neissledovatel’nikh Zonakh Prostranstvo i Vremya] (1989). In this work, Vychyashyuzhniz investigates the theoretical relationship between fish, space, time and teleportation. His insights shed light on the space-time bridge theoretically achievable by fish when their natural propulsion patterns are disturbed through the use of prosthetic fins and silver-dyed wigs popularized by festooning 1970s female roller-disco dancers. It is the purpose of this paper to report the findings of experiments that follow in the footsteps of Vychyashyuzhniz’s theory and explore this most interesting topic in the theatre of applied quantum ichthyoastronometric-dynamics.

 

Method

In the margins of a notebook found at Vychyashyuzhniz’s dacha shortly after his death, three elements are outlined as necessary for the study of such dynamics: fish, prosthetics or wigs and the zero-gravity of space. To account for each of these, the following method was employed.

Three (Strømmen, 2003) “terrestrial” grey mullet (Crenimugil labrosus) subjects (A through C) were selected such that their belly surface pressure fell within the average adult range (3.0–3.5 kPa) (figure 1). Each fish was contained within a separate 100 l seawater tank for a period of six weeks prior to space flight and fed a high protein diet of roasting-hen eggs and vanilla extract. Unfortunately, due to cost overruns, the researcher was unable to secure funding necessary for transportation into space. To compensate for this most unexpected caveat, it was determined the protocol should be continued using a large 700 l clear-bottom seawater tank on earth (a technique often employed by the world space industrial complex to simulate the zero-gravity of space) into which a 500 l clear-bottom seawater environmental tank was placed where experiments would be conducted. More specifically, the outer tank would provide the simulation of zero-gravity surrounding the inner environmental tank, exactly replicating the experience (for the subjects) of swimming in the depths of outer space.

Due to the reluctance of fish to wear prosthetics and wigs, subjects were wrapped in 4 m strands of common household grade polypropylene bailer twine (to simulate the effect of prosthetics and wigs) and dipped in a bath of paraffin wax at 60° C for three seconds to prevent chafing. One by one, subjects were immersed in the inner 500 l environmental tank and released from a fixed point. Each was allowed to swim for a period of five seconds toward a bait consisting of six asparagus crowns. Subjects’ swimming patterns were observed and recorded for analysis (figure 2).

Post experiment, all subjects were destroyed, rendered and sold to the Mayans as a phosphorus-based fertilizer.

 

Results

Results for each subject varied (table 1), however, all seemed frightened and appeared inhibited by the “prosthetics”, “wigs”, or “zero-gravity” present in “outer space”. There were no obviously observable signs of inter-dimensional or time travel present (though Subject C did start off much slower than the others, but made up for his start by speeding up later on). However, such travel was theoretically present.

The use of a double tank (figure 3) enabled a double zero-gravity event to take place for each subject, since both tanks in fact independently simulate the gravitational state of outer space. The net result is that any motion automatically constitutes an instantaneous and ubiquitous teleportation from one point in space-gravity to another, theoretically similar to what is commonly referred to as a quantum leap. Therefore, the subjects were, for all intents and purposes, existing within two points of space and time (space-time[a] and space-time[b]) simultaneously while moving to and from two independent points, as well (figure 4). Some questions remain as to the possible experience of a theoretical space-time(c) on account of the paraffin wax bath. If such paraffin-space does exist, what are the implications of its less dense than water (i.e., lighter than zero-gravity) properties?

 

Conclusions

Though perhaps too early to state with complete confidence, grey mullet may have some ability to surpass the bounds of time and space under certain conditions. The implications of this are vast and stretch beyond the exciting realm of ichthyology and into the great unknown of physics, astrophysics, ichthyophysics, interstellar astronomy, and perhaps even interstellar ichthyoastronomy or quantum ichthyoastronometric-dynamics. More research is clearly required and more questions seem ready to be asked.

 

References

Strømmen, J. (2003) The rule of three: A practical application of the new math. Saskatoon, Canada: The Sciencist.
Vychyashyuzhniz, V. (1989). Mulet v neissledovatel’nikh zonakh prostranstvo i vremya [Mullet in the nether-regions of space and time]. Sovremennyii Zhurnal Sovetskoi Astronomii Ryib [Contemporary Journal of Soviet Ichthyoastronometrics] 38(3), 378-442.