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Risk Aversion through Gonad Constraint

Sergei Rzhechnyik

This study examines the causal relationship between testicular restriction and the propensity of human males to take risk. Three males in varying states of scrotal comfort are observed as they react to predetermined stimuli in a high-stakes environment. The potential military applications of this study’s findings are also taken into consideration.

[This paper is also available in PDF and MP3 formats]

Introduction

The ‘boxers vs. briefs’ debate has raged on for generations, with no clear winner having yet emerged. Though sometimes mistakenly assumed among females to be merely a matter of fashion sense, male circles have long known this to be primarily an issue of comfort. In this regard a clear divide can be observed, with the majority of men falling into one of two categories. On one side we find the boxer fans, generally liberal-leaning freedom-lovers who prefer a heightened degree of flexibility within the safe limits of an overall framework. On the other side we find the briefs advocates, known also to some as the “my boys need a home” camp, a more conservative group generally willing to sacrifice their freedom for a higher degree of structure and support in daily life. A third, minority group is also purported to exist, mainly radicals and anarchists rejecting all forms of authority, who, by adopting the “commando” style of dress, likewise reject all undergarments. The question that remains to be answered is much like that of the chicken and the egg. Namely, is one’s preference in underwear simply a reflection one’s fundamental beliefs? Or rather, is it the underpants one wears that in fact shape those beliefs? Fortunately, the advent of the scientific method at last provides us with the opportunity to examine this important issue in close detail. This study therefore examines the direct effects of undergarment tightness on male behavior, with particular attention paid to that in situations involving an element of risk.

 

Method

Three male subjects (Strømmen, 2003) between the ages of 19 and 25 were selected from a random sampling of non-voters. Each was determined through a short written survey to be generally apathetic toward the political process and of average length and girth. To eliminate any external factors, the subjects (A through C) were asked to remove all clothing and jewellery, with the following exceptions. Subject A was provided with a pair of 100% cotton three-colour plaid boxer shorts, while Subject B was given a pair of 50/50 cotton/polyester classic white briefs or “tighty-whities”. Subject C was instructed to remain clothingless for the duration of the experiment (figure 1).

To create the necessary high-risk environment, the subjects were asked to partake in a game of casino-style blackjack, sometimes known as “21”. A simulated gambling den was constructed using a 90 x 90 cm folding card table and atmospheric lighting. To heighten the sense of speculation, each subject was given 100 standard red plastic poker chips and falsely informed that each chip was worth US$50. They were then misled to believe that they would be able to “cash out” with any chips they had remaining at the end of the experiment. Each subject was also provided with three 355 ml tall-necked bottles of Samuel Adams Boston Lager to reduce the awkwardness of playing cards with other partially or fully nude males.

One by one the subjects were instructed to play several hands against the house. The cards used were stacked in advance and dealt out in such a way that the subject in each case was faced with the same series of predetermined card combinations. The reactions and playing styles of the subjects were closely observed and recorded for later analysis. Following the experiment, though no cash winnings were in fact paid out, each subject was rewarded with a $10 Chapters gift certificate.

 

Results

Clear differences can be noted in the way subjects responded to the card combinations presented (table 1). Subject A was observed for the most part to have played safely, though he was willing to take a measured degree of risk when odds were in his favour. Subject B, on the contrary, played extremely defensively, taking no chances whatsoever, even in situations where there was little or nothing to lose. Meanwhile, the behaviour of Subject C can be characterized only as inexplicably aggressive; by always hitting after the initial hand, and often further asking for even a third and fourth card, he ended up busting in the vast majority of cases.

 

Conclusions

It is clear from the results that groinal surface pressure has a direct bearing on male aggression and risk-taking. It can therefore be concluded that by increasing or decreasing undershort tightness one can strongly influence male behavior in a given situation. The practical applications of these findings are multifold. Though enormous amounts of time and funds are put into improving designs for regulation uniforms of professional sports teams and other such organizations, rarely is consideration given to those for specific positions or roles beyond meeting safety requirements. By actively applying this study’s conclusions, one can imagine, for example, different coverings for the privates of goalies and forwards, or blockers and receivers, for strategic purposes alone. Potential military utilization can also be conceived. The evidence suggests to us that military briefs would be best suited toward peace keepers, P.O.W. guards and other soldiers in more defensive roles, whereas the “commando” style would indeed be most appropriate for commandos and other front liners. A third potential application would be within the federal prison system. Prison officials may want to consider the implementation of a standardized “sizing-down” of all prison garb skivvies to reduce instances of prisoner-instigated violence or attempted escapes.

Obviously the results of this important study will have a major impact on the field of uniform design, perhaps even extending to the entire male fashion industry. Never again will a casual inquiry into how it is hanging be regarded lightly. Further testing, however, is still necessary to determine the exact effects of loincloths, G-strings, and the oddly popular hybrid “sports boxers”.

 

References

Strømmen, J. (2003) The rule of three: A practical application of the new math. Saskatoon, Canada: The Sciencist.