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Ær Sepsis Noctus:
the New Black Death

Danylo Burdenko

This study examines the nature of nighttime death. It pulls from a variety of international statistical sources to construct a concatenated view of modern death, and its principal cause: septic nighttime air (known to the world as ær sepsis noctus or dark air). Trials were performed using common yellow canaries (Serinus canaria) exposed to presumed concentrations of dark air at various altitudes. Results prove the existence of dark air.

[This paper is also available in PDF format]

Introduction

In the darker days of yore, peasantry fearfully associated the black absence of colour with mystery, malevolence and magic. Such fear remains commonplace in the midst of our post-modern social experience. From our superstitious apprehension of black cats’ wake, to our distrust of dark-haired Iberians, as a society we have come to suspect “darkness” as a contributing factor in vice and wickedness, if not the root cause of evil itself. As years pass, we continue to develop our appreciation of the scientific method as the litmus test through which we may separate the fact of myth from the fiction of myth. This landmark article examines one such case, and uses the solid principles of science to conclusively ascribe the theoretical air-borne particle (known as ær sepsis noctus or dark air) found within the upper atmosphere as the leading cause of death in the human species.

 

Method

Two separate methods (or phases) of scientific enquiry were used to ultimately establish sound and reliable conclusions surrounding the nature of dark air. In the first, basement archives of twenty departments of vital statistics were examined and data was collected surrounding the time of death for some 20 million inhabitants of eighteen countries worldwide between the years 1900 and 2000 (table 1). Data was compared to recorded environmental temperatures and analysed through the use of statistical software. Statistical regressions were performed to determine likely causes of death based upon time of day and environmental temperature.

In the second phase, graduate students were hired to perform weather balloon trials involving the longevity of three (Strømmen, 2003) common yellow canaries (Serinus canaria) exposed to presumed concentrations of dark air at various altitudes. Out of fear of nighttime dark air exposure, occupational health and safety groups would not permit any member of the research team to participate in any such experiments between 2000 hours and 0800 hours. For this reason, all trials were conducted well within daylight hours.

In theory (Wagner, 1997), dark air (figure 1) can be found in large air-borne particle masses, suspended within an atmospheric temperature range of –20° C to +15° C. Two atmospheric altitude bands meeting such criterion exist wherein the effects of dark air may be accurately examined during daytime experimentation: between 900 m and 3 500 m above sea level, and between 90 000 m and 92 000 m above sea level. Since weather balloons are unable to reach altitudes above 30 000 m (Puentevo, 2000), the former altitude band was selected over the latter.

Yellow canary subjects (A, B and C) were chosen for their historically proven ability to detect poisonous or otherwise noxious gasses and air-borne particles (The Petmeister, 2002). All three subjects were restrained and individually placed within tungsten-carbide reinforced birdcages. Each cage was then suspended from the base of a single nylon four-gore, single-panel, 10 m envelope meteorologic-grade weather balloon. Each balloon was equipped with an altitude-based electronic release mechanism. At 1000 m above sea level, balloon A let way its cargo to free-fall back to earth. Balloon B did the same at 2000 m, and balloon C at 3000 m (figure 2). Subjects were examined upon retrieval for outward signs of death.

 

Results

Data collected within the archival research phase of this experiment indicate that an overwhelming 53.51% of humans worldwide succumb to death’s cold fingers during nighttime hours. Further, deeper investigation into this phenomenon has shown that at certain times of the year, at certain latitudes, 100% of human mortality occurs within night’s darkness.

Moreover, the findings show that 100% of all nighttime deaths occur when mean outside environmental temperatures are less than those of either the day before or the day after. For this reason, conclusions surrounding the suspension of some causal environmental agent at cooler temperatures naturally follow.

The results of the second phase showed that each subject was unrevivably engaged in death, proving conclusively the existence of dark air masses suspended within the atmosphere—and closer to earth than ever before imagined.

 

Conclusions

From the data outlined above, several key conclusions may be drawn. First, dark air does exist, and is undoubtedly responsible for nighttime mortality among humans. Second, the location of its cloud-like masses seems directly tied to its environmental temperature. Third, because mean external environmental temperature drops during long periods of darkness (during nighttime, for example), dark air falls within human proximity during the night and returns to higher altitudes during the day (figure 3). Fourth, the rise of dark air during waking hours has made it previously difficult to observe and directly implicate it as the leading cause of human death.

At this time, several questions remain unanswered. Where did dark air come from? Who is directly responsible for it? Can it be contained? How much of it exists? At what concentration is it fatal? This paper is therefore dedicated to the future researchers who will undoubtedly give their lives in pursuit of answers to questions such as these.

 

References

Puentevo, N. A. (2000). Técnicas meteorológicas do exame [Meteorological survey techniques]. Lisbon, Portugal: Portuguese National Society of Meteorological Sciences.
Strømmen, J. (2003). The rule of three: A practical application of the new math. Saskatoon, Canada: The Sciencist.
The Petmeister. (2002). Harvey “The Petmeister” Clark’s guide to the weird, wild and wonderful. Geneva, Alabama: Pigglywiggly Press Associates.
Wagner, W. (1997). The official shape and size of air. Modern Air, 29(6), pp. 293–304.