Scientists Tempted to Take Temperature
with Temperance
Gorey, JE (July 28, 2003) –
The Language Reclamation Branch (LRB) of the internationally
lauded International Association of Science-Minded
Professionals (APSO) declared its intention to
appropriate the term "temperance" for
scientific use at a conference held yesterday
on the Bailiwick of Jersey. The argument put forward
by APSO is that "temperance," currently
defined as 'the avoidance or moderation of behaviors
such as imbibing alcohol,' is an outdated concept
and a largely unused word in the English language.
The LRB claims that "temperance" would
be better put to use if assigned the meaning 'the
action of taking temperature.' Scientists worldwide
agree that this would simplify laboratory protocol
and help streamline jargon-rich scientific workplaces
by being simultaneously brief and to the point.
Meanwhile, a loosely formed
quasi-academic association of language historians
known as the Language Conservation Corps claims
that "temperance," as a word, has historical
value, and should be protected by international
governments in order to guarantee historical accuracy
in the English language. When asked for comment
by the international press, the normally sober
linguist Leon Roblinsky responded by saying, "Temperance:
the action of taking temperature? I'll drink to
that."
Earth May Fall into Record Territory
Knoxville, US (July 20, 2003)
– Concern is mounting among geo-economists
as common topsoil failed to maintain its value
in the global market place for a record sixth
consecutive year, according to statistics released
yesterday by the Department of Ground Affairs
(DGA). Compounding the situation, violent winds,
flash floods and rodent tunneling worldwide continue
to erode and redistribute the current balance
of soil ownership. As dirt farmers seek federal
compensation for their lost revenues, market watchers
fear that previously dirt-cheap soil prices may
soon fall to sub-dirt levels.
In response, an emergency task
force has been set up by the DGA to investigate
ways to stimulate the wholesale dirt products
market. The devaluation of soil will also likely
be one of the major topics at the next general
meeting of the League of American Soil Producers
(LASP), to be held in Knoxville, Tennessee, later
this month. Meanwhile, farmers have begun to abandon
the traditional earth growing business, with an
increasing number turning to bumper crops such
as gravel and sand. Others are experimenting with
the proven though labour-intensive technique of
planting vegetation to hold dirt in place.
"We'll do all we can to
make it through this," claimed LASP spokesperson
Wayne Helmsley, "but we're in quite a muck."
Dr. Burdenko Confirms Existence
of Dark Air
Tavelsjö, SE (July 15,
2003) – APSO's Popo Honorary Research Chair
and currently 274th in line for the Kievan-Rus
throne, Dr. Danylo Burdenko has concluded his
most resent research examining the hitherto unexplained
occurrence of nighttime death. Ær
Sepsis Noctus: the New Black Death was
released on Tuesday morning from Dr. Burdenko's
offices in Sweden.
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Disgruntled Scientists Demand
Light Make a Decision
Vienna, AT (July 10, 2003) –
Sixty-eight members of the Austrian scientific
elite have signed a letter dated July 8 demanding
that light come clean on its behaviour and declare
itself a wave or a particle, but not both. "For
years we have been internally locked up in this
ridiculous debate, that has, quite frankly, resulted
in nothing more than a colossal waste of our valuable
time." Dr. Wilhelm Brüner, spokesman
for the Group of Sixty-Eight, continued his statement
during a press conference on Monday, "and
let us be honest, this whole singular theory business
has really gotten us nowhere fast."
Many believe that light began
its trickery and indecisiveness in Europe at least
as early as the days of noted physicists like
Galileo, Sir Isaac Newton and Copernicus. When
asked for comment, contemporary world-renowned
physicist and author Dr. Stephen Hawking suggested,
"light just needs time to find its groove."
Paranoia Sweeps North-Eastern
Bolivia
Los Sares, BO (July 8, 2003)
– The mayor and all town officials of Los
Sares attended a special news conference on Monday
to show unity as the small Bolivian village continues
to suffer under the grips of international paranoia
about Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS).
His Honour Carlos Zapatalo, mayor of Los Sares,
declared firmly, “Los Sares has never had
a single case of SARS, and we don’t ever
expect to. It’s not even spelt the same.”
But similarities in spelling seemed to be enough
to convince Bolivian federal health officials,
who included Los Sares on their latest list of
worldwide infected areas that Bolivian citizens
should avoid.
Epidemiologists at the World
Health Organization (WHO) in Geneva were surprised
by the inclusion and continue in their attempt
confirm the existence of SARS within the remote
jungle area of Bolivia, near its border with Brazil.
But WHO confirmation or not, the small village
continues to suffer as its local economy falls
into chaos. A World Bank official reached for
comment suggested that he might consider organizing
a collection around the third floor cubical wing
to prop up the Los Sares markets until the “commotion
settles.” Similarly, neighbouring villages
have requested United Nations High Commission
for Refugees (UNHCR) assistance to combat the
influx of displaced individuals fleeing Los Sares,
currently numbering in the range of four.
New Black Lights Truly Black
Lafayette, US (July 3, 2003)
– Scientists at the University of Louisiana
have created an improved form of incandescent
black light bulb, it was announced yesterday.
Commonly found at amusement parks and nightclubs,
conventional black lights employ light filters
to absorb all light in the visible spectrum, leaving
behind only infrared and UV-A light. In contrast,
the newly developed bulbs prevent all wavelengths
of light from being emitted, by stopping it right
at the source.
“The key was found to
be in the tungsten filament found in standard
incandescent bulbs, which when heated to around
2,200 °C begins to emit light,” explained
project chief Greg Couchant. “By removing
the filament, we can completely halt the release
of light waves, allowing for a truly black experience.”
The new bulbs, he added, “are also much
more efficient, since in a conventional light
bulb roughly 90% of the energy consumed is released
as heat. Initial testing has shown our bulbs to
greatly reduce this amount.” Such bulbs
are also much more cost effective to manufacture,
it was pointed out, since they eliminate the need
for costly filters, as well as that for argon
gas or glass casings.
Similar research is now being
launched into the feasibility of wickless candles,
which, in theory, would extend candle lifetime
significantly.
Dr. Rzhechnyik Concludes Underwear
Research
Minsk, BY (July 1, 2003) –
From his office in the capital of Belarus, twice-acclaimed
Director of APSO Interests in the Far and Near
East, Dr. Sergei Rzhechnyik released a short statement
regarding the publication of his most recent research,
Risk
Aversion through Gonad Constraint.
In the statement, Dr. Rzhechnyik
thanked key members of the Burkinabe garment industry
for their continued support. Dr. Rzhechnyik concluded,
"may peace, happiness and prosperity reign
throughout Burkina Faso!"
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