Size, Shape and Taste Debate Brought
to an End
Korçë, AL (August
31, 2003) – In an unprecedented example
of David versus Goliath, Lufter Gjinveli, a blind
farmer from southeastern Albania, successfully
challenged the until recently unquestioned notion
that the great taste of a breakfast cereal is
exclusively dependent upon its size and shape.
In documents filed at a Qarku i Korçës
district courthouse on Thursday, Justice Idajet
Çoret ruled in Gjinveli’s favour
noting that scientific evidence of the claim made
in the early 1980s by an unnamed American breakfast
product conglomerate is sketchy at best.
The cereal in question, the
name of which may not be published under an Albanian
law that protects defendants in civil suits, is
a common shape found in apiculture and roughly
2.5 cm by 2.5 cm by 0.3 cm in size. Gjinveli provided
evidence in court suggesting that other objects
of similar size and shape may be less than appetizing.
“I don’t like to eat well used rubber
erasers, but following their science, I should,”
Gjinveli noted in an interview with Radio Televizioni
Shqiptar—the court appeared to concur.
New Robots To Be Bigger, Better,
Meaner
Nara, JP (August 27, 2003) –
Due to the popularity of its highly personable
and much-loved ASIMO, the world’s most advanced
humanoid robot, automobile and sometimes robot-maker
Honda has announced plans to expand its robotics
production line to include titan-scale, telepathy-controlled
fighting machines, it was reported on the company’s
web site Friday.
ASIMO (which stands for Advanced
Step in Innovative MObility), utilises advanced
motion technology to not only walk forward and
backwards, but also turn sideways, climb up and
down stairs, and turn corners. The new battle
bots, in contrast, will be able to fly and engage
in deadly hand-to-hand combat, in addition to
being outfitted with a full arsenal of WMD weaponry.
In response to questions from
the media about the possibility of including transforming
functions on the new models, Honda stressed that
there is a long way to go before such specific
roles can be assigned to humanoid robots. “This
is not science fiction people,” responded
company information director Shingo Wakabayashi.
“We are still only in the early stages of
developing the technology for their laser swords.”
When asked if he was concerned
about the possibility of losing his most-favoured
status in the hearts of children worldwide, ASIMO
shrugged and replied monotonously, “I’m
not worried. I can identify voices and respond
to certain instructions. Plus, I don’t kill.”
Hott Stixx's Luke Less than Smokin'
Guayaguayare, TT (August 15,
2003) – Teen sensation Luke, commonly known
in London-based tabloids as Lukie-Luke, is said
to have stopped taking solid foods on the heels
of what his solicitor has dubbed a "science
catastrophe."
Luke (whose real name is Leroy
Sakapurositz), currently in retreat on the island
of Trinidad, was a willing participant in a scientific
experiment performed under the direction of the
universally acknowledged authority on large-order
botony, Dr. Kohle Torgenson. Dr. Torgenson's findings
may be found within his study The
Ugly Tree: Prunus turpis, published on
Friday.
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
Barbers Sent into Frenzy, Chinese
Woman Objects
El Tablazo, VE (August 12, 2003)
– A landmark study has found baseline evidence
suggesting barbers and similar professionals are
genetically predisposed to scalp-dwelling vermin.
Industry watchers say the publication of this
study, conducted within the Venezuelan port city
of El Tablazo, has sent panic and shock throughout
the cosmetology and coiffeur world.
Ms. Quan Li, public relations
spokeswoman for the Jinyang Hair Institute in
Shaanxi Province, China had a strong but cautious
opinion after hearing of the study's findings
on a China Central Television news broadcast.
"Yes, I have heard about the problems with
the heads and hair of some people in our industry,
but I have a strong belief that we, as stylists,
are strong enough to overcome the challenges these
beasties present."
When asked for a reply to Ms.
Quan's contention, Dr. Felipe Rato Ortiz, who
published the study's findings on Friday, remarked
that his team was in the midst of conducting compression
resistance trials between stylists and head lice,
the results of which would be published in September.
Hotcake-Longevity Link Tenuous
at Best
Sokcho, KR (August 8, 2003)
– Despite long-held theories and recent
marketing campaigns by major American food corporations,
a diet rich in hotcakes offers little, if any,
life-extending benefits, a Korean research group
has discovered. Research conducted by the Gangwon
Province-based Institute of Western Food Science
conducted a food study on groups of mice and found
that those limited to a staple diet of hotcakes
lived roughly as long as mice fed a traditional
diet of seeds, grains, vegetables and pellets.
Scientists divided six mice
into two groups, and fed one group a strict regiment
of hotcakes, unsalted butter and simulated maple-flavoured
syrup for 400 consecutive days. The second group
of mice was not exposed to any breakfast- or brunch-related
foods. Mice fed mainly hotcakes were found to
have an average life span of 863 days—two
days more than those in the control group.
Despite the slight boost to
longevity that a hotcake-based diet might offer,
dangerous side effects were also observed, with
the hotcake-fed mice being found to have a much
higher incidence of Type 2 diabetes—33.3%,
compared to 0.0% for the second cohort. Tooth
decay and obesity were also far more prevalent,
leading researches to conclude that the risks
of subsisting only on hotcakes simply outweigh
the benefits.
Spokespersons for Denny’s
and IHOP were unavailable for comment.
Science-Based Diagnostic Aids
in Risk Management
Ejmiatsin, AM (August 1, 2003)
– Shogher Rustamharian, chief press secretary
to twice-acclaimed Director of APSO Interests
in the Far and Near East, Dr. Sergei Rzhechnyik,
announced on Friday that a group of eight Armenian
science-minded professionals had developed a "Gonad
Constraint Assessment Diagnostic" to
aid in the increasingly popular field of risk
management.
Mr. Rustamharian also announced
during a press conference in the Armenian city
of Ejmiatsin that a request had been made by an
unnamed illiterate member of the Montserrat Legislative
Council to provide the widely acclaimed Risk
Aversion through Gonad Constraint in
audio-book format.
The Sciencist is proud to offer
the international community access to this diagnostic
and Dr. Rzhechnyik's most recent paper in MP3
format.
