Dogs Just Want Attention
Mercedes, UY (September 29,
2003) – The Uruguay Council for Accuracy
in Veterinary Medicine reported Monday that the
phrase “sick as a dog” is widely misused.
This shocking news comes after a controversial
two year study came to a close last month. Seventy-three
dogs were injected with a variety of popular illnesses
and closely monitored over a one-month period.
The resulting evidence was then compiled over
twenty-three subsequent months, culminating with
this week’s public statement.
According to the comprehensive
ten-page report, dogs rarely exhibit any symptoms,
but do constantly clamour for attention. Notable
exceptions to this are those infected with malaria,
mononucleosis (the “kissing disease”),
and the common cold. Specimens afflicted thusly
regrettably perished during the monitoring period.
“These results indicate
that humans have no understanding of how sick
dogs get,” explained Council chair Rodrigo
Benitez.“When a person says ‘I’m
as sick as a dog’ what they’re really
saying is ‘I’m a hypochondriac,’
or maybe in extreme cases ‘I have a cold.’”
The Council has ambitious plans
to shed light on the accuracy of a variety of
similes and clichés over the next five
years. In particular, Benitez is excited about
the much touted “horse suite,” where
researchers will determine the reliability of
“never look a gift horse in the mouth,”
“strong as a horse,” and “I’m
so hungry I could eat a horse.”
Speaking Birds Less Psychologically
Influenced than Human Counterparts
Copenhagen, DK (September 25,
2003) – Researchers at the Belli-Borchardt
Institute in the Danish capital announced on Wednesday
the findings of a three-month study into psych-postmodernist
therapeutics, more commonly known as “the
placebo effect.” According to the study’s
findings, humans show greater acceptance of placebo-based
treatments for a variety of ailments than do speech-endowed
birds (parakeets, parrots, mynah, among others).
Dr. Hjalmar Kierkegaard of the
Belli-Borchardt Institute gave an outline of the
study in an interview with TV2/Danmark, saying
“following Strømmen’s
recent interpretation of Stump’s Law,
we invited three human and three birdie participants
into our study. Each described an ailment from
which they suffered immensely. We then provided
an individually designed, but scientifically foundation-less,
treatment for these maladies. The results were
truly shocking.”
The first human participant
complaining of acute optic pain was prescribed
a treatment of prolonged shock therapy; another
who suffered from tennis elbow was required to
take extra-long morning showers. By all accounts,
the treatment determined for the third human participant
should have killed her—but in all cases,
the human participants believed that the treatments
prescribed alleviated their suffering. The birds,
in contrast, who similarly complained of various
pain and/or suffering, continued to communicate
their symptoms in a repetitive fashion long after
the treatment period had extinguished.
Menzyte to Build Gym-Related Confidence
Fresno, US (September 21, 2003)
– Male organ enhancement is now scientifically
feasible, according to an unsolicited e-mail message
titled “MMZ fatteenn your pipe bjvfb”
that was widely distributed on September 18. According
to the unwanted mail from sender Maksud Ebehardt
of unknown origin, achieving a longer and wider
member is now possible thanks to a modern medical
miracle—a tiny pill called Menzyte.
The pill purportedly works in
two ways. First, the pills stimulate cells within
the spongy tissue of the penis by signals sent
from the brain to increase the size of the cells.
Second, there may also be dormant cells within
these structures that can be “awakened”
to offer further enlargement. The makers of the
pill fully guarantee that not only will these
pills “make you the envy of the other members
of the gym,” but also that they will “give
you the self-confidence to approach women in clubs
and gyms”. As an added bonus, since the
pills are made of “100% natural ingredients
formulated according to the principles of Chinese
herbal medicine” there are “absolutely
zero” negative side effects.
When asked about the legitimate
medical value of such a product, drug analyst
Wes Durkheim seemed skeptical.
“It clearly states on
their website that ‘this information is
based solely on clinical trials that are generally
not recognized by any US government agency or
medical organization’ and that ‘this
information has not been evaluated by the US Food
and Drug Administration, nor has it gone through
the rigorous double-blind studies required before
a particular product can be deemed truly beneficial
or potentially dangerous,’” he pointed
out.
“On the other hand,”
he continued, “the images on the webpage
do contain at least three different gentlemen
wearing white medical coats and holding stethoscopes.
That’s got to count for something.”
Equine Science Leaps Ahead by
Looking Back to Physics
Saipan, MP (September 15, 2003)
– Dr. Danylo Burdenko, principal APSO research
fellow in the field of picotechnology, presented
a paper entitled Horse
Equals Mass Times Acceleration at the
forty-third annual Equestrial Vaulting World Cup,
held on the island of Saipan on Sunday afternoon.
The paper was met with much interest and excitement
by both jockey and physics community representitives
in attendence.
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
Alien Life Almost a Sure Thing,
Scientist Claims
Halifax, CA (September 10, 2003)
– The chances of one day discovering extra-terrestrial
life in the universe are much higher than conventionally
believed, announced Dr. Calvin Belanski, Chairman
of the Council for Sub-molecular Particle Research
(CSPR), at a press conference held at the CSPR’s
headquarters on Wednesday. According to the findings
of the council’s latest study, water and
air, held by many to be the requisite components
for life, can be broken down into smaller elements,
which together form part of a larger super-group
known as “chemicals.” “As amazing
as it sounds,” Dr. Belanski excitedly explained,
“these chemicals can be combined in a myriad
of ways to form all the ingredients necessary
to both create and sustain life.”
Though technically still unproven,
chemicals are generally believed to exist in abundance
throughout the known universe, with a large quantity
being found right within our own solar system.
The planet Jupiter, for example, is thought to
contain billions and billions of chemicals, leading
Dr. Belanski to conclude that it is pretty much
a “safe bet” that life will one day
be found there. A vast deposit of hydrogen is
also thought to exist within our sun, which he
described as “a massive hot-pot, steaming
with the soup of life.”
“Can you even imagine
what kind of twisted, six thousand-degree beings
must live on the surface of the sun?” Dr.
Belanski fervently asked his audience of media
representatives, most of whom quickly admitted
that, no, they could not.
Zodiacal Concerns Unfounded
Paris, FR (September 4, 2003)
– A decade-long study by the Parisian Centre
for Astronomical Impetus (Centre Parisien pour
l'Impulsion Astronomique) of 3000 subjects conclusively
proves that astrological birthright does not predispose
people born between June 21 and July 20 to cancer
in any of its many forms. Years of speculation
over a link between the deadly medical condition
and the reputedly dual-natured Zodiac has forced
many people to avoid reproductive activities between
the months of October and November to limit their
progeny’s chances of getting cancer. Oncologist
Dr. Ling Tu, the researcher in charge of the study
commented, “It isn’t very surprising,
really. I mean, why would an ancient astrological
myth have anything to do with the unchecked proliferation
of cells in the human body? It just doesn’t
make sense.”
The shocking news has sent reverberations
though the psychic community, which is still reeling
from the removal of the Department of Astrology
from the College of Science at Bermuda Tech, the
last official university to recognize astrology
as a legitimate subject of learning. When questioned
about the study at a recent book signing, noted
psychic author Madame Tonumba of San Francisco,
United States responded, “I wish I could
say I saw it coming, but this one really caught
me off guard.”
Food Seen as Key to Starvation
Matam, SN (September 2, 2003)
– The Center for Life Preservation Sciences
(CLPS) in Matam, Senegal yesterday published a
ground-breaking study that they claim will stimulate
Western aid to relieve current stresses on the
Senegalese population. The study draws a clear
connection between eating and avoiding death,
and suggests that “food” could be
a crucial key in assisting the ailing population
during the current epidemic of starvation. The
study further suggests that proper “nutrition”
may in fact have auxiliary benefits to health,
as subjects in the study showed decreased disease
and starvation when fed adequately.
Dr. Ida Martingus of the Western
Conglomerate of Medical Charity (WCMC) announced
that officials at the WCMS would be scrutinizing
the findings of the CLPS over the next ten months,
but cautioned starving people not to believe all
the claims of the study, saying, “This nutritional
‘remedy’ only treats the symptoms
of starvation, and doesn’t solve the root
cause of death, potentially forcing people into
expensive, long-term programs of eating.”
Other Western experts likewise expressed concern
that, similar to the expensive medications developed
to fight AIDS, food may well be out of the price
range of most citizens of this poor region of
Senegal.
