Dirty Dancing Proven No More Septic
than Other Folk Varieties
Székesfehérvár,
HU (October 27, 2003) – In a time of overwhelming
fear surrounding communicable disease and other
respiratory ailments with epidemic potential,
proponents of the Lambada and other sensual dances
of Latino origin have reason to sigh in relief
thanks to recent research conducted by the Hungarian
Institute of Peasant Technology (Magyar Parasztságtani
Ipariskola). The MPI, located on the tranquil
shores of Lake Balaton, recently concluded a multi-year
study of communicable disease and interpersonal
hygienic-contamination.
According to their final report,
dirty dancing was but one of a number of intimate
human interactions observed during the study.
Others included kissing individuals reputedly
suffering from conditions known as “potty-mouth”
and “verbal diarrhoea,” and playing
the child’s game of tag with sailors whose
duties include mopping the poop deck.
Speaking through interpreters,
Dr. Pölöskei Ödön of the MPI
explained that, “The results of the dirty
dancing segment of the research conclusively prove
that as long as participants are clothed and otherwise
free of open sores, the activity is at times less
‘dirty’ than Portuguese or Welsh folk
dancing. The fact of the mater is, Lambada rates
rather low on the dirty list, especially when
compared to anything Irish—and let me be
completely clear, when I say anything Irish, I
mean anything Irish.”
Elephant-Based Technology to Improve
Accuracy of Black Box Record and Airline Safety
Washington, US (October 20,
2003) – Elephants possess the uncanny ability
to predict catastrophic air accidents, claims
a report released by analysts from the National
Transportation Safety Board on Monday. According
to the report, in-depth analysis of recovered
black box recordings has discovered that in all
cases where one or more elephants were being transported
on a commercial airline, and that aircraft was
subsequently partially or totally destroyed in
a catastrophic crash, the elephant or elephants
in question were found to have gone berserk and
thrashed from side to side within the fuselage
of the aircraft moments before the occurrence
of the accident.
Employees of the San Diego Zoo
were at a loss to explain this phenomenon, with
one animal feeder saying, “I’ve always
found elephants to be rather frightening, but
now even more so.” Long-time researcher
of elephant behavior Doreen Wuthers was likewise
baffled by the findings, calling them “unexpected”
but “very significant indeed.”
Encouraged by the announcement,
federal lawmakers have already put forward legislation
requiring elephants to be installed in or near
cockpits on all commercial flights, with President
Bush enthusiastically endorsing the proposal.
Opponents, however, have questioned the value
of such a law, saying that even if the elephants
could accurately predict fatal crashes, it would
be questionable whether they could help prevent
them. Proponents, meanwhile, have pointed out
the additional deterrent effect the animals would
have on hijackers and other unruly types considering
forced cockpit entry.
Invisible Man Too Impractical;
Unvisible Man Steps to the Plate
Sanaa, YE (October 15, 2003)
– Described as harder working than musical
mainstay Yanni, Dr. Kohle Torgenson held a press
conference on Wednesday while on vacation in Yemen
to publicize his recent paper entitled Unvisibility:
A Changing Paradigm in Visibility Modification.
"The world of the visible
has proven itself a mighty foe—the Muhammad
Ali of the optical realm, if you will," Dr.
Torgenson explained in a response to questions
from the international press. "What I have
achieved is nothing short of brilliant,"
he continued unabashedly. "Thinking outside
of the box, my research has shown that although
one may not be able to reverse the effects of
visibility, by using the suggestive power of science,
one can beat visibility at its own game. Ha ha!"
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
Belgian “Scientists”
“Invent” “New Shape”; World
Remains Sceptical
Antwerp, BE (October 10, 2003)
– An unsubstantiated report emerged from
the Antwerp offices of the Royal Belgian Ministry
of Technology, Infrastructure and National Resources
on Thursday claiming that a team of “well-known”
Belgian “scientists” had designed
a never before seen shape—known within the
Ministry as RH-395, or the “belgiarhombotrapelygon.”
The shape was “mathematically”
described as having 395 sides—23 of which
are parallel—a circumference half its own
diameter, and resembling the “sift”
of what a Ministry source called a “polkig.”
Scientists world-wide have voiced their skepticism,
and called on Belgium to once again come clean
and “jump back on the train to reality.”
“I don't understand why
they continue to dig themselves deeper and deeper
into this ridiculous hole,” remarked acting-chairman
of the APSO Member Relations Committee, Dr. Zymgunt
Andreijowicz (Poland). “But, again, we're
not particularly surprised.”
The APSO Member Relations Committee
expelled Belgium in 1961 for similar unscientific
publicity stunts. Despite seventeen applications
for reinstatement, Belgium has never been readmitted
into the APSO community on the grounds that it
has never shown acceptable remorse for its actions.
Research Finally Proves One is
the Loneliest Number
Maseru, LS (October 6, 2003)
– Dr. Eric Maope, spokesperson for Science
Lesotho—the national arm's-length science
agency of the Basotho government—announced
on Monday that his team of statisticians and psychologists
had determined that the number one was indeed
the loneliest number.
“Participants were operationally
divided into three groupings of sixteen. The first
group was given a mild sedative and placed within
a room where the sound of children playing was
broadcast over the public-address system,”
Dr. Maope explained. “The members of group
two were divided into eight smaller subgroups,
placed in a room and given a recent edition of
the Frankfurter Allgemeine newspaper to be shared
between them. The third group was blind-folded,
secluded and placed into a hyperbaric and anechoic
chamber where members were instructed to pantomime
a scene from the Sears catalogue.”
After the experiment, each participant
was interviewed by a psychologist and statisticians
proctored a survey surrounding their experience.
“The results speak for themselves—through
the comments of the participants, that is,”
noted chief statistician, Dr. Rene Marematlou.
“By far, more individuals in group 'C' described
themselves as lonely than in any other group.”
Cory Wells, lead vocalist of
Three Dog Night, was said to be pleased with the
vindication this research provides, commenting
only, "I told that bastard Chuck Negron I
was right years ago. What does he have to say
for himself now?”
Liver, Soybeans, Lard and Juice
Contribute to Basic Human Survival
Phnom Penh, KH (October 4, 2003)
– Cambodian scientists are reviewing the
claim made by an American economist in the mid-1960s
that the human body, if considered from a structural-functionalist
point of view, can survive a lifetime on a diet
consisting of nothing more than liver, soybeans,
lard and fruit juice (83% of economists believe
this to be most likely orange juice).
A research team from the Khmer
Dieticians Federation submitted a funding request
on Friday to the Andrew van Rogh Institute, a
Dutch philanthropic agency with a nutritional
mandate. The substance of their proposed work
would be to conduct clinical trials on the downtrodden
and malnourished of Phnom Penh and Siemréab.
“Look, these people are
starving. If we can provide a long-term dietary
regime of a very basic and inexpensive foodstuffs,
why shouldn't we?” argued chief researcher
Dr. Lop Ton, during a Saturday morning press conference
in Stoeng Treng, a provincial city on the Mekong
River. “What we are looking to do is select
some really, really pathetic individuals—the
younger the better—for testing from which
they will benefit in the long-term.”
Dr. Lop's comments sparked a
heated debate within the dietician community over
questions of the psychological value of variance.
Preliminary polls suggest that 77% of dieticians
agree that for the Khmer research to be humane,
they should at least vary the ingredient amounts
such that participants are fooled into believing
they are supping on a variety of foods—much
akin to the premise behind the recently popular
Suzanne Somers weight-loss cookbook titled “Ketchup,
Yogurt and Sausage: All You Need for Thighs of
Steel.”
