Miniature Fruit Leads to Greater
Convenience, Effort
Fribourg, CH (November 29, 2003) – Newly
discovered hybridization techniques have laid
the scientific groundwork for the production of
smaller, more portable fruit, according to an
article in the latest issue of Better Living magazine.
In contrast with the trend among vegetable growers
over the past several decades toward creating
more efficient and calorie-rich produce, botanists
at the University of Fribourg in Switzerland have
discovered a cross-fertilization method resulting
in fruit that grows to roughly one-fourth to one-eighth
standard size.
“Imagine eating a whole bunch of bananas
all by yourself, or carrying a watermelon in your
pocket—it will soon be possible,”
announced Joseph Friedlich, spokesperson for Contemporary
Foods, S.A., the sponsor of the research. “We
envision a whole range of products that will meet
the specific needs of those with small appetites,
the elderly, and the feeble.”
Fruit market analyst Jerome Higgins seemed highly
skeptical, declaring, “His bananas idea
just doesn’t make sense.”
“Suppose they could shrink a bunch of bananas
down to, say, the size of your fist,” he
continued. “It would contain roughly the
same amount of fruit content as a single, regular-sized
banana, but would involve way more peeling.”
International economists also expressed their
concern that dates—already a significant
global commodity—if miniaturized would directly
compete with, if not completely wipe out, the
world market for raisins. When asked for his comments,
however, one raisin producer seemed confident
that the new techniques would merely lead to the
emergence of a new market in “raisin powder.”
Belgium Abandons the Metric System,
Claims Too Difficult to Understand
Gent, BE (November 24, 2003)
– To the amazement of its Benelux counterparts,
Belgium has abandoned the metric system citing
claims from its citizenry that the international
standard is just “too difficult to understand.”
As for a replacement measurement unit, several
possibilities are in the offing, including one
based exclusively on the digits found on one hand
and another where objects are deemed to be binary:
here or there, big or small, heavy or light. An
official decision rests pending a referendum to
be held in early-December.
The United States Commerce Secretary,
Don Evans, who rarely speaks publicly about international
standards, welcomed Belgium into the family, so
to speak. During an address to the Wisconsin Bureau
of Dairy Producers he noted, “The coalition
of the willing continues to expand. Thanks to
the steadfast will of the American people, the
tyranny of the Hussein - Bin Laden - Kim - Qadhafi
- Castro - Metric System - Ayatollah Axis of Evil
no longer strangles the peoples of Iraq, Canada
and Belgium.” Secretary Evans was later
forced to retract part of his statement, however,
after learning that Canada remains under Axis
control.
“This is somewhat drastic, but not completely
inconsistent with recent behaviour. Therefore,
we're not particularly surprised,” remarked
Dr. Zymgunt Andreijowicz (Poland), acting-chairman
of the APSO Member Relations Committee. It was
the APSO Member Relations Committee that expelled
Belgium from the Association in 1961 for behaviour
deemed unscientific.
Disgusting Men Theory Finally
Proven True
Ottawa, CA (November 19, 2003)
– For the first time on record, sofa cushions
of young male bachelors have been ranked at the
top of a list of the nation’s filthiest
locations, based on the results of an annual study
conducted by the Canadian Centre for Disease Prevention
and Control (CCDPC). The study found that the
spaces between cushions on sofas belonging to
single males under 30 contained higher concentrations
of potentially hazardous and disease-causing biological
agents than previously seen anywhere. Dropping
to second place is the floor of the Edmonton bus
depot, after having held the top spot for seven
consecutive years.
“This is the first year we’ve actually
gone into people’s homes,” explained
Bill Forsythe, associate director of the CCDPC.
“We had always just assumed that highly
public locations populated mainly by working-class
or lower-income citizens would contain the most
germs. We were way off.” He continued by
warning young men “not to go poking around
for lost change—it’s just not worth
the risks.”
The previous second-place holder,
rural water treatment plants, dropped to fourth
place, as a result of the numerous improvements
made following a series of nationwide contaminated
drinking water incidents in 2000 and 2001. The
ladies’ washroom of the Earl’s restaurant
on 9th Avenue in Vancouver, British Columbia,
remained in third place for the second straight
year.
Vulcanized Rubber to Cause World’s
End by June 2005 At Latest
Windhoek, WA (November 15, 2003)
– A paper published today by Dr. Jakob Strømmen,
details the result of our folly as a species.
Frictional
Coefficients and their Influence on Planetary
Rotation presents a bleak picture of
human achievement and warns that our continued
attempts to improve upon the wheel have increased
its popularity to the point that every living
man, woman and child is compelled to own one.
Though such ownership may appear innocuous, from
within Dr. Strømmen’s Namibian home
office, wise calculations have been made that
explain in detail the catastrophic global results
to which our progress will inevitably lead.
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
Urban Jungle Denied “Natural
Preserve” Status
Watts, US (November 10, 2003) – A recent
proposal to designate inner city Watts, a county
of Los Angeles, California, as a national park
has been unanimously rejected by the National
Parks Conservation Association (NPCA), it was
reported Monday.
Yolanda Smith, a spokesperson for the Inner City
Sanctuary Project, the organization responsible
for the proposal, appeared dejected after the
refusal.
“The obvious choice of the inner city as
a national preserve is a no-brainer,” she
said. “It has a unique environment that
is unrepresented in other national parks, and
contains diverse flora and fauna.” When
asked to elaborate, Smith added, “The inner
city is a paradise. A Paradise City if you will,
where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.”
Smith also noted that the district has many “basement
zoos” and that the neighbourhood’s
cockfighting rings contain all sorts of “hidden
diversity.”
Mark Tulwar of the NPCA meanwhile fails to see
how the “urban jungle” is a viable
ecosystem that is worth protecting.
“The whole idea of an Inner City National
Park is ludicrous,” he commented. “It
is taking the nature out of the natural preserve,
which is just plain silly.”
Supporters of the Inner City Sanctuary Project,
however, appear adamant about gaining national
park status for their community, claiming that
it would validate their people and community as
a whole. It would also be cost effective to implement,
as some members pointed out, since walls around
the would-be park already exist. One local business
owner added, “A little extra traffic passing
through the neighbourhood wouldn’t hurt
either.”
Earliest Science-Minded Professional
Honoured with Exploratory Publication of His Thoughts
Levionne-sur-mer, FR (November
4, 2003) – Dr. Sergei Rzhechnyik has published
an exploratory paper outlining the nodal arrangement
of species envisioned by Louis Travigne in 1782.
The publication, entitled Travigne’s
Animaux comestibles: The Connoisseur’s
Guide to Zoological Taxonomy, was met
with tumultuous applause within the streets of
Levoinne-sur-mer, France—Travigne’s
place of birth and home to the world headquarters
of the International Association of Science-Minded
Professionals [l’Association de Professionnels
Science-Occupés] (APSO).
Travigne, though not a scientist
by trade, exemplified the mind and heart aspired
to by all science-minded professionals. “His
diligence and unending dedication to non-serendipitous
scientific discovery has been a standard to which
I have always sought personal parity,” commented
Dr. Rzhechnyik at a publication social in the
Travigne Room at APSO headquarters on Tuesday.
“I only hope my paper provides a just account
of his eminent theory.”
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
