Dr. Ralpholio Hoppertinez Bids
APSO Members New Year’s Greetings
Lavionne-sur-mer, FR (December
30, 2003) – From his office at APSO Headquarters,
Dr. Ralpholio Hoppertinez, founder and director
of the International Association of Science-Minded
Professionals (APSO) [l'Association de Professionnels
Science-Occupés / Internacia Asocio de
Sciencoatentaj Profesiuloj] on Tuesday broadcast
his annual New Year’s Greetings to members
of the international science-minded professional
community who follow the Gregorian calendar.
Following his address, the most
esteemed Dr. Hoppertinez received floral baskets
from the Science-Minded Professional Committee
of the Dutch East Indies and the Hydrabadi Women’s
Group for Technology and Water Purification; later,
he met with members of the Clipperton Island Council
for Scientific Accuracy in Weights and Measures.
Dr.
Hoppertinez, who celebrated his ninety-fifth
birthday in June, was said to be enjoying
the season.
Human G-Name Project Nears Completion
New York, US (December 26, 2003) – George
Gaberdine is gheralding in the good gnews, as
the frequently misunderstood human G-name project
comes to a close later this month. While most
people have heard of the human genome project,
an ambitious scientific gambit coordinated by
the Department of Energy and the National Institutes
of Health, few are familiar with its lesser-known
cousin, a curious study of human G-names.
Gaberdine, a self-proclaimed “linguistitician,”
has spent the past twenty-one years cataloguing
all the known names starting with the letter G
the world over. Apparently, the idea came to him
as he looked up a relative in the New York City
phone book back in the early eighties.
“I couldn’t believe how many people’s
names started with G in the Big Apple,”
Gaberdine explained. “So I stole the phone
book, and started organizing the names into soft
G’s, hard G’s and silent G’s.
It was tedious work, but I’m pretty unpopular
and unemployed, so here I am.”
With all the names of people in the world starting
with G now catalogued, Gaberdine plans to pursue
the linguistitigraphical challenge of creating
topographical maps of areas with major G-name
concentrations in North America, in order to determine
if altitude affects the migration of G’s
in the United States and Canada.
Agency to Impose Stricter Naming
Regulations on Popular Holiday Sweet
Ottawa, CA (December 19, 2003) – In response
to growing discontent among conservative candy
manufacturers and misinformed Christians, the
Canadian Food Labelling Agency (CFLA) today announced
that in 2004 it plans to introduce more stringent
labelling rules for candy canes, a longtime favourite
holiday confection-cum decoration. Recent years
have seen an increasing number of imitation cane-shaped
candy products—such as those featuring colourful
blues and yellows, or fruit-like artificial flavours—gaining
popularity among consumers, which has left traditionalists
in an uproar.
“Candy canes were created to symbolize
Jesus, their shape representing the letter ‘J’
and their colours standing for the purity and
blood of Christ,” explained amateur theologian
Marvin Coolidge, citing something he read once
on the Internet. “We must put a halt to
the sacrilegious practice of associating the Son
of God with anything available in ‘wild
cherry.’”
Following the adoption of the new rules, which
are expected to be implemented as early as March
2004, only candy canes having red stripes and
the traditional flavours of peppermint or wintergreen
will qualify for the legal designation of “candy
canes.” All other variations will thereinafter
be required to bear the description “cane-shaped
flavoured sugar sticks.”
Goetzer Candy Co.’s Ralph Pascone defended
his company’s candy products, saying, “Our
company has held a solid 26 percent share of the
hooked cane confectionary market since 1997. Call
me a heretic if you will, but our 12-packs of
rainbow cane-shaped flavoured sugar sticks aren’t
going anywhere.”
Obesity and Other Health Issues
Finally Linked to Responsibility
Kingman Reef, KQ (December 15,
2003) – Dr. Kohle Torgenson, son of Swedish
industrialist and 1936 Olympic hopeful Bengt Torgenson,
was to announce with great fanfare the publication
of his most recent study into health matters on
Monday.
Torgenson, whose paper is entitled
Hormonal
Evaluation of ‘Responsibility’ as
American Health Agonist, was en route
between Hawaii and American Samoa when his flying
boat took refuge in poor weather at Kingman Reef
on Sunday. His party is said to be well, and radio
contact has been uninterrupted since Monday morning,
local time.
Accompanying Torgenson are Greek
audiologist, Nikolaos Papasimitis and wife Nana;
Salvadoran sketch artist, Carlos Qunitanilla Flores;
and two unidentified individuals.
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
Spumoni Stricken from Official
Record
Greensboro, US (December 9,
2003) – In the first major policy revision
since 1986, the Fourth Plenum of the Ninth Congress
of American Ice Cream Industrialists on Tuesday
overwhelming passed a resolution to remove spumoni
from the list of known ice cream flavours with
a vote of 264-37, citing no known instance of
the flavour being produced or consumed in the
United States for over three decades.
A secondary motion to remove longtime staple
Neapolitan was also passed, following the publication
of a controversial report earlier this year recommending
its reclassification. The report, which was based
on the results of a four-month study by scientists
at the Berlin-based Institute of Frozen Food Science
(IFFS), concluded that Neapolitan does not constitute
its own distinct and unique flavour, being merely
a mixture of other, more traditional flavours.
“These changes were long overdue,”
commented one congress member on condition of
anonymity. “We must keep up with the latest
consumer trends and fact-based science to ensure
standardization and fairness within the industry.”
A third resolution seeking to rename vanilla
as “plain” failed to garner sufficient
support, receiving only 5 of the 201 votes (two-thirds
majority) necessary for its passage.
Ireland Seen as Biggest Loser
in Designer Steroid Scandal
Prague, CZ (December 5, 2003) – The world
of athletics was today dealt its second blow in
as many months as researchers with the Czech Institute
for Medicine and Sport (Cesky Instituce Medicína
i Sporta) announced their discovery of a new doping
agent apparently found commonplace within the
sporting community. The ‘designer’
steroid, called ‘luck,’ had escaped
detection until a CIMS research team in Prague
identified trace elements in athlete urine while
searching for a new, and plentiful, source of
halite.
“We believe the use of ‘luck’
to be extremely prolific. Forensic research has
already shown that most of the world’s top
athletes have used ‘luck’ in the past.
We’re very disappointed,” explained
Dr. Jan Pesek of the CIMS during a telephone conversation
on Tuesday. “I strongly believe that the
only way to ensure a level playing field in international
sport is to ban all performance enhancing agents,
and this naturally includes ‘luck.’”
Athletes the world over have
reacted cautiously to the news. The Irish Sports
Federation, who expects to suffer the greatest
losses as a result of a ban on ‘luck,’
has questioned the validity of the research findings,
with ISF spokesperson Patricia Quinn noting, “Luck
is a tradition in Ireland—it's fundamental
in the upbringing of our children. If we give
up on luck, what do we have left to bring joy
to our little ones besides Sinéad O’Connor
and whiskey? The results must surely be a mistake.”
Members of the casino, lottery
and horseshoe lobby were unavailable for comment
related to possible spill-over effects.
