Belgium Declares Mannequins Human,
“Special Interest Group”
Malmédy, BE (February
21, 2004) – Belgium has officially recognized
mannequins as human, but only those which are
anotomically accurate, says Jean Maroutaeff, a
lawyer for the Royal Belgian Human Rights Commission.
Mr. Maroutaeff explained the ruling made by a
magistrate of the Liège provincial court
on Friday wherein one Mme. Agnès Goffin
was permitted to legally wed a department store
display mannequin, an act only considered legal,
according to a 1978 federal statute, between “human
beings.”
Mr. Maroutaeff continued, “On
one point, I must also be perfectly clear: the
recently gained recognition by mannequins means
that under Belgian law, they will now constitute
official minority status. As such, they are now
eligable for certain benefits commonly reserved
for so-called ‘Special Interest Groups,’
including those of affirmative action and special
bus fares.” An unnamed representative of
the Royal Ministry of Human Resources, Culture
and Youth said that the minister was “on
vacation, but would soon be looking into the matter
with considerable interest.”
When questioned about the prospect
of anotomically accurate mannequins taking over
key positions within the Belgian civil and public
services, EU Minister of Industry and Employment
Charles Danby (UK) replied, “please tell
me honestly, do you really think you will be able
to tell the difference?”
Study Proves Elderly Feral, Pack
Dwelling
Nukus, UZ (February 15, 2004)
– Anthropologists are all abuzz with excitement
as new evidence shows that the elderly, formerly
thought of as docile prey for telemarketing scheisters
and unscrupulous sky pilots, are in fact ravenous
and insatiable wolverine-like, jaundiced-eyed,
swarming creatures of the night. So says Dr. Kohle
Torgenson’s most recent in-depth, longitudinal
ethnographic study of the two-dozen elderly residents
at Westchester Green Retirement and Convalescent
Home in Careywood, Newfoundland.
Dr. Torgenson’s much anticipated
paper, entitled Elderly
Pack Behaviour: An Ethnographic Study,
was presented as the keynote address on Sunday
to the Sixth Annual Conference on Geriatric Immunology,
held in the Uzbek provincial city of Nukus. Hussein
Sadhin, charge d’affaires of the
Syrian embassy in Uzbekistan, gave a reception
following the conference on the occasion of Dr.
Torgenson’s address. Syrian embassy officials
were on hand and speeches were made thereafter.
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
Spokesman: Future of Nonexistant
Drugs Uncertain, For Now
Pittsburgh, US (February 8,
2004) – In a ruling released earlier today,
the United States Patent Office (USPO) resolutely
rejected an appeal seeking legal recognition for
the class of drugs known as ‘Futraceuticals,’
a new initiative by Cybersit, a technology company
cum pharmaceutical manufacturer and distributor.
Cybersit’s Futraceuticals, or “drugs
with the potential for greatness,” as they
have recently been marketed, were previously denied
both U.S. and European patent status due to their
purely theoretical nature.
Cybersit researcher Guillaume Niels was visibly
upset at the USPO ruling, commenting, “The
nature of science demands forward thinking and
expository assumptions. Futraceuticals, by definition,
are the future of medicine. Without legal protection,
our chronologically enhanced ingenuity will be
lost to tardy offshore copycats.”
Dr. Emilio Perez, pharmaceutical advisor to the
USPO, stated, “Attempting to patent these
‘Futraceutical’ things is a gross
misuse of the patent system and is dangerously
reminiscent of cyber-squatting. I mean, the patent
application described several products vaguely
as ‘Anti-Aging Medicine,’ ‘Beautifying
Cream,’ and ‘Those Pills That Have
a Whole Meal in Them.’ Frankly, the whole
idea seemed quite silly to those of us around
the table.”
When told of Dr. Perez’s statement, Niels
responded by saying, “It is a travesty that
the USPO and medical community in general are
so unable to accept the vision of business and
medicine that proved so successful throughout
the late nineties for companies such as Cybersit.
Fortunately, we are now awaiting clearance for
our most recent futraceutical, which addresses
such incapacitating myopia.”
Arabic Numerals Revealed as Al
Qaeda/Hussein Plot in Mathematics
Cumberland Gap National Park,
US (February 1, 2004) – The world of mathematics
was dealt a shocking blow in September 2001 when
it was internally revealed that the long-held
practice of using Arabic numerals may constitute
an unwitting perpetuation of an Al Qaeda/Saddam
Hussein plot. Over the past two years, mathematic
insiders have been diligently working on an efficient,
scientifically based and child-friendly alternative
to some of our most prolific digits, it was divulged
on Sunday by Dr. Danylo Burdenko during a press
conference at the Cumberland Gap National Park
Visitors’ Center, just outside of Williamsburg,
Kentucky.
Dr. Burdenko’s most recent
work publicises the current effort within the
field of mathematics to cleanse itself of Arabic
numerals. The paper, entitled RHnotation:
A Post-9/11 Numeric Alternative, was
distributed following the press conference.
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
