Underwear Diagnostic 1.1: Risk
Management for the Information Age
Vardenis, AM (March 29, 2004)
– The most estimed Dr. Sergei Rzhechnyik
today received a congratulatory telegram from
the Geghark’unik’ Provincial Governor
on the occasion of the third anniversary of his
second election as Director of APSO Interests
in the Far and Near East. The telegram reads in
part, “Most estimed doctor. On the occasion
of the third anniversary of your second election
as Director of APSO Interests in the Far and Near
East, I have directed my eight finest androcologists
to employ my four finest computer programming
professionals to rebuild and revitalize our earlier
diagnostic in accordance with your most
profound work.
“The efforts of my men,
and one woman (who is a programmer, not androcologist),
have resulted in a risk diagnostic tool more scientific
and more accurate than previously thought possible.
Such a tool is the jewel of the Armenian people.
Let us share it with the multitudes of good-hearted
undergarment wearers who have cause to fear, and
let us turn that fear into a calm through the
security that comes from wise garment-based decisions.
Congratulations, Dr. Rzhechnyik.”
Dr. Rzhechnyik was reported
to be pleased with the Armenian efforts.
The Sciencist is proud to provide
this improved
risk management tool to advanced garment wearers
everywhere.
New Research Questions Recent
Feng Shui Cooptation of Old Adage “That’s
Using Your Noodle”
Weather Station, JU (March 22,
2004) – From his summer office on Juan de
Nova Island, the Very Reverend Dr. Sergei Rzhechnyik
today released his most recent work in the study
of feng shui, the ancient Chinese art of furniture
arrangement and cosmic harmony. Dr. Rzhechnyik’s
research has shown less than significant results
while testing the ‘expert’ guidance
of long-time rival and self-acclaimed feng shui
master Dr. Mofa “Clifford” Chen. The
work is entitled The
Choice of a Noodle: An Examination of Pasta and
its Feng Shui Potential.
“This work shows that
Dr. Chen, if he is in fact a doctor—and
chiropractor doesn’t count—has gone
too far. To think that Italian noodle varieties
would alter an individual’s natural harmonic
alignment is just laughable. So, to answer your
question, I’m not really surprised or disappointed
that the results were inconclusive. I’m
just delighted that he wasn’t proven right,”
Dr. Rzhechnyik explained to a staff reporter over
the telephone early Monday morning.
The Sciencist is proud to publish
this discussion paper in PDF and Text Only formats.
Ducks Proven Vital Component in
Dog Rescue and Recovery
Moncton, CA (March 15, 2004)
– Ducks possess an uncanny ability to find
Chesapeake Bay and Golden Retrievers killed in
duck hunting accidents, according to a landmark
study by the New Brunswick Department of Tourism
and Natural Resources.
Habitat ornithologist Guido
Sergiovanni explained, “We have long known
that ducks are rarely interested in dogs. What
we find disturbing, however, is the special interest
they take when dogs are found seriously injured
or deceased. Being that ducks do not have teeth,
and dogs are too large for them to swallow whole,
we don’t believe they intend to eat the
dogs. Perhaps they just wish to sniff them for
a while. It’s really very strange.”
Though generally not known for
their olfactory acuity, the study found that ducks
are able to smell out wounded dogs from a great
distance, even in thick brush. Scientists have
put forward a theory suggesting that the combination
of dog stench and fresh blood forms a powerful
odor that is irresistible to the birds.
Canola farmer and long-time
duck hunter Fred Weber seemed pleased by the news,
saying, “My (Chesapeake Bay Retriever) Missy
had a box-load of puppies just last week. I was
planning on drowning them in the reservoir, but
now maybe I’ll blend them into a nice chum
for bait. There’ll be some good hunting
come Saturday, that’s for sure.”
Funding for New Sciences to Make
U.S. Safer, Richer
Omaha, US (March 8, 2004) –
In a clear demonstration of his administration’s
support for the pursuit of scientific knowledge,
President Bush today announced the earmarking
of an additional $78 billion in the FY2004 supplementary
budget for scientific funding. In his speech given
at a luncheon of the for-profit Society for Science
and Technology Advancement, Bush also announced
the expansion of the currently government-funded
fields of scientific study, with newly introduced
areas of research such as missile defense science
and oil and gas exploration science now falling
under the wing of the government’s top scientists.
“America is committed
to the advancement of human knowledge. We are
committed to understanding the world around us,”
said Bush in his speech. “Science is a tool
that must be used to the fullest, whether for
mining the vast mineral deposits of deep space,
or striking down terrorists in their dens of evil.”
He further added, “Science will not only
make us richer, it will make us safer.”
Bush also promised that, if
reelected, he would set aside an additional $52
billion in FY2005 for a newly proposed “Institute
of Homeland Security Science.”
The bold moves, widely viewed
as an attempt to sway voters in advance of the
upcoming presidential election, come amidst harsh
criticism from Democrats regarding Bush’s
record on science and technology promotion, not
to mention education and the environment. “Too
little, too late,” said Democratic nominee-to-be
John Kerry. “Had this funding been in place
three years ago, we would already have the means
to fingerprint entire developing nations.”
The White House, however, was
quick to deflect such criticism, with one aide
saying, “Don’t think we haven’t
tried.”
Minus Ion Technology Continues
to Advance; Scientists Puzzled as to Why
Tokyo, JP (March 1, 2004) –
Great strides continue to be made in the field
of minus ionization, it was proudly announced
by a Japanese electronics conglomerate on Sunday,
with the news warmly welcomed by the Japanese
public. Scientists worldwide, meanwhile, were
quick to point out that no scientific evidence
yet exists to support the notion that minus ions
offer positive benefits to human health.
At a press conference held Sunday
afternoon, Japanese home electronics group Toshida
Japan demonstrated its newest line of minus ion
emitting products, including a revamp of its minus
ion air conditioner, which first sparked the negative
ion trend back in early 2000, causing a wave of
minus ion frenzy to seize most of Japan, and in
recent months, the world at large. “I love
this stuff,” said one gleeful consumer in
attendance.
Commonly referred to as the
“vitamins of the air,” minus ions
occur in abundance in nature, in places like waterfalls,
mountains, and forests. In a deft leap of logic,
Japanese marketers were quick to allege that these
minus ions were therefore likely to be a powerful
air purifying agent, able not only to reduce bacteria
and odors, but also possessing the ability to
“refresh” one’s spirit and strengthen
a person’s immune system.
“In modern life we are
constantly surrounded by computers, telephones,
microwaves, and many other products that generate
electromagnetic waves,” explained Toshida
spokesperson Junichiro Kobayashi. “Such
electrical products emit plus ion waves, which
can make you feel tired, dizzy, or give you a
headache.” He further added that they “are
also believed to contribute to Seasonal Affective
Disorder.”
Kobayashi then showed a short
but action-packed animated film demonstrating
how circular, smiling minus ions could combat
the jagged-edged and menacing plus ions within
the constraints of a typical Japanese home, namely,
by using their powerful “Minus Tornado Spin
Chop.” He then demonstrated the minus ion
producing features of Toshida’s latest goods,
which include hairdryers, vacuum cleaners, refrigerators
and even electric toothbrushes. He concluded the
demonstration, saying, “By incorporating
the ability to release minus ions, we can counter
the harmful effects of our own products.”
When later questioned about
how Toshida was able to generate minus ions artificially,
Kobayashi vaguely replied that it involved “passing
air over a strong electric current.”
