Statisticians Set to Evaluate
Accuracy of “Nantucket” Limerick
Amsterdam, NL (April 26, 2004)
– In what can only be described as an eyebrow-raising
endeavour, a group of Dutch statisticians are
eager to put lowbrow poetics to the test, hoping
once and for all to establish the statistical
accuracy of the “Nantucket” limerick,
and put to rest all innuendo perpetuated by men
from the American town of Nantucket who boisterously
use the limerick’s notorious claims in an
attempt to seduce Dutch women.
De koninklijke Nederlandse Groep
van Statistieken (KNGS), based in Amsterdam, was
awarded on Thursday its seventh consecutive federal
grant for “the study of the accuracy of
self-aggrandizing innuendo”—a little-known
field of research annually sponsored by the Nederlandse
Sociale Wetenschap en de Raad voor Onderzoek van
Menswetenschappen [Social Science and Humanities
Research Council of Holland], or NSWROM. Past
research sponsored by NSWROM included a landmark
study in 1983 into the accuracy of the statement
“you know what they say about the size of
a man’s hands,” and a 1999 KNGS study
regarding the honesty of men who employ the phrase,
“excuse me for a moment, I have to see a
man about a horse.”
“Our [recently announced]
research will employ a case study framework. We
are exclusively interested in the claims of men
from Nantucket, and those who claim to be from
Nantucket. We want to study their assets and scientifically
determine if in fact, as they say in America,
‘their money is where their mouth is,’”
explained Dr. Anika van Meenen, Research Chair
for KNGS.
Members of the Massachusetts’
Board of Certified Urologists were unavailable
for comment.
Canine Milk: From Fido to Fridge
Bogotá, CO (April 19,
2004) – Late-night trips to the grocery
store for milk may be a thing of the past thanks
to University of Bogotá scientist Dr. Alejandro
Garcia’s newly-patented technology. The
Colombian engineering professor has adapted commercial
milking equipment used by the dairy industry to
suit the average household dog, Canus domesticus.
Dr. Garcia explained in a press conference on
Saturday how “the teat cups and vacuum system
have been down-sized to accommodate the miniature
nipple size of the average canine pet.”
He went on to emphasize the importance of proper
sanitization before applying the automated milker.
Marketing consultants for the
canine milker applaud its ingenuity and timeliness.
“In this age of increased hormone and antibiotic-injected
dairy cows, the consumer can now be safe with
the milk from our canine friends. Personally,
I prefer knowing exactly where the milk on my
breakfast cereal comes from, and that it hasn’t
been mixed together with the milk of more than
one cow,” stated spokesperson Fabia Cortez
of Lechaliticas Group in Bogotá. Convenience
aside, recent studies by Dr. Garcia’s counterparts
at El Instituto de la Leche Homogeneizidad at
the University of Cartegena have shown that canine
milk contains equivalent amounts of calcium when
compared to the traditional bovine variety. Average
shelf-life in the consumer’s fridge is also
comparable when combined with “Alejandro’s
Home Pasteurization Kit,” named after Dr.
Garcia’s son and said to be in production
later this year.
Preliminary market research
indicates that a family of four may easily cut
a monthly milk budget in half given the average
litre- or quart-per-day production rate of an
active and healthy Fido. The canine milker is
to be most easily applied to larger breeds such
as German Shepherds, Irish Wolfhounds and Golden
Retrievers, but, Dr. Garcia warns, due to certain
anatomical mistakes made during consumer focus-group
testing “is to be used with female dogs
only.”
Pizza for Nut Cream Fair Trade,
Not Biopiracy
Oruro, BO (April 12, 2004) –
Mega-corporation and leading biotechnology innovator
Omnisource Co., Ltd. is once again being accused
of biopiracy, this time for stealing knowledge
from the Campesinos, a Bolivian indigenous population,
by trading common pizza recipes for information
on the skin softening chemical/cream “Prodermicin”
found in local nuts. Biopiracy, or the stealing
of ancient knowledge from indigenous cultures
to make new technology, is reputed to be a common
practice in Bolivia.
In an official press release
Omnisource claimed, “The equitable partnership
established between the Campesinos and Omnisource
Co., Ltd. is mutually beneficial. Furthermore,
the allegation that biopiracy was committed by
Omnisource is both ridiculous and slanderous.”
Noted ecologist and ethicist
Paulo Quispé referred to the “Prodermicin
incident” as a “clear example of unethical
behaviour, contravening vital ethical principles,
by the inequitable sharing of resources and exploitation
of indigenous knowledge.”
When asked to comment on Quispé’s
remarks, Omnisource president and CEO Paul Fortinbrau
commented, “I emphatically deny that biopiracy
has been committed in our dealings with the Campesinos.
Biopiracy is an unethical practice rooted in inequality
among partners. Clearly the Campesino people will
benefit from the knowledge we shared with them,
just as we plan to benefit from the small intellectual
property that they shared with us.”
When asked how he could equate
sacred indigenous knowledge with a standard pizza
recipe, Fortinbrau quickly responded, “In
a region void of pizzerias and burgeoning with
newfound wealth from oil pipeline construction
and profitable feedlots, it wouldn’t be
difficult to turn that knowledge into big dollars.”
Concluding his argument, Fortinbrau pointed out
that “Pizza Hut seems to be doing okay.”
Ohio Packers Union Cries “Fowl”
over Boneless Chicken
Cleveland, US (April 5, 2004) – Recent
advances in biotechnology have led to many startling
developments, such as the addition of fish protein
to tomatoes, or the engineering of goats that
produce spider’s silk. But attempts by DNAmics
Incorporated to genetically alter domestic chicken
to be ‘boneless’ have met with anger from
animal advocacy groups and meat processors alike.
A protest against the boneless chicken research
brought the longtime enemies together for a barbeque
luncheon in Pal Alto, California, on Sunday, where
animal rights advocate Kip Holmes presented the
Local 32 Union of Animal Packers with a soya bean-shaped
medallion to commemorate the occasion. Butcher
and shop steward Keith Stonehouse accepted the
medallion and later stated to the press, “Normally,
we think of vegetarians as weak and pathetic.
But I can’t deny that Kip and his tribe
of hippies show a lot of strength and courage
when it comes to leaving the bones in chickens.
You’ve got to admire that.”
In response to the overwhelming outcry over the
research, DNAmics has halted its testing on poultry
embryos. According to spokesman Dave Burns, “We
never wanted to upset the vegetarians and meat-cutters.
Both groups are vaguely associated with our business.
Besides, chickens without bones just don’t stand
up to the research process.”
